ASK ALMA By Alma Gill
He won’t let me visit his house
Dear Alma: I have been dating “David” for over eight months, but I have never been to his house. Every time I bring it up, he changes the subject or comes up with a lame excuse. I’m not sure what to think. He will stay with me for weeks at a time, so I don’t think he’s involved with someone else. I’m confused.
Hello, Confused: This situation occurs more often than you might imagine. I’ve heard it pondered by countless co-workers and plenty of sister-friends. I’m not going to make this long and drawn out. Bottom line: I suspect he doesn’t have a home.
You guys are kickin’ it at your house because…
No. 1: He might be married. I’m sure you’ve wondered the same thing. Or, he may be separated and still living with the wife.
No. 2: He could be living with his mom. Most men would hide this temporary, oh-I’m-just-passing-thru situation.
No. 3: He could be homeless. It’s tough out there nowadays, with the economy the way it is.
Maybe he’s stretching when it comes to his living conditions—a few weeks at your house, a few weeks at another woman’s house and a few weeks with his mom’s. Trying to pull together a security deposit and first month’s rent ain’t easy.
I find it more disheartening that, after eight months, you haven’t said to him point-blank, “Take me to your crib.” He’s definitely hiding something, but you aren’t being honest, either—with yourself. You haven’t made a fuss because you really don’t want to know. Truth is easier to deal with when we deny it. This is real simple. The next time he comes by, ask him. But make sure you’re ready for the answer.
Reconnecting with an old flame
Dear Alma: I’m a 60-year-old man, married to the same woman for 33 years. I recently reconnected with my high school girlfriend on Facebook. It now turns out that she will soon be visiting in my area, and we are planning to meet at a restaurant we used to go to when we were teenagers. It will be in a public place, and the owners know my wife (who won’t be there). This is not a real “date,” but it’s more than a business lunch or meal with casual friends. My ex-girlfriend is not married, and I’m not likely to leave my wife. My long-term objective is friendship. Obviously, this reunion calls for more than a hearty handshake, but how much more? A hug seems inevitable. But, what kind of kiss? A Hollywood-style air kiss? A peck on the cheek? A quick kiss on the lips? Or something longer? I assume we’ll figure it out, but how do I start?
Signed, can’t wait.
Dear can’t wait: Okay, I just slapped you upside the back of your head. Did you feel it? What’s up with you? Are you having a mid-life crisis? Why are you plotting to jump headfirst into the lake of natural-born fools?
You’ve been married for more than 30 years. What an amazing blessing. You’ve both worked hard to maintain and establish this life-long commitment. Now you want to destroy it?
Although you didn’t say how the conversation went with your wife, I assume you told her about this reconnect and upcoming lunch, since you’re planning to meet your old girlfriend at a local restaurant where the owners know your wife. Trust me, you’ve hurt your wife’s feelings. And if you didn’t tell her, when she finds out her feelings will be hurt.
This reconnect is wrong on so many levels, and worse, it’s disrespectful to your mate. You are not available to meet your old girlfriend for lunch, breakfast, brunch or dinner. You have nothing to offer her that doesn’t also involve your wife, so don’t try.
Forget the kiss. I hope you will rethink this MLC. Stop emailing this woman and cancel the lunch. The love and magic you’ve shared with your wife is far more amazing than what’s over the fence—or what would be sitting across from you at that lunch table.
Alma Gill’s newsroom experience spans over 25 years, including various roles at USA Today, Newsday and the Washington Post. Email questions to: firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow her on Facebook at “Ask Alma” and twitter @almaaskalma.