Dear Alma: Over my long Thanksgiving weekend, everywhere I went I encountered my married brothas complaining about the same thing—wives not wanting or initiating sex. It was as much a constant as football and turkey. These are good men, Alma. They want to do the right thing. But, some feel trapped. They can be faithful and celibate or they can creep. And yes, some have already strayed. (One married friend told of an encounter he had with his girlfriend inside a bathroom that made our hair stand on end.) We all agreed that our wives would never do something so… so…so… so damned sexy and daring. Tell me, Alma: Why do wives avoid sex with their husbands (when the girlfriends can’t seem to get enough)? And, don’t give me that lame excuse about wives having to work on their jobs then come home to do housework and homework. Most of my friends share equally in housekeeping and child-rearing duties. Simply put, if a wife won’t “cook” for her man at home, shouldn’t she expect him to occasionally eat out?
—Signed, A Real Bro
Dear A Real Bro: You’re kidding, right?
Aaaahhh, no. You are not allowed to switch to fast food after you’ve committed to a fine dining establishment.
Since this is the holiday season, I think it’s high time I address this issue and let you guys in on a “cooking” secret. Hear me when I say this: A thoroughly basted turkey turns out moist and tender every time.
Are you feeling me?
Let me break it down. In the beginning, you really don’t have to do much to get the gravy going. But, once you’ve had your favorite holiday dish year after year, we all know what to expect.
You need to spice that sucker up just a little every now and again. Add a little more hot sauce here and a little less mustard there. It just depends on the occasion.
Give the turkey in your kitchen all the attention it deserves. You don’t need to take that extra effort outside your home, ‘cause either way you’re putting out effort. Why not display all your extra trimmings where it feeds and nurtures your commitment?
Reach into the cabinet and take out everything you got. While you’re waiting for the oven to get hot, delicately rub and pat down your turkey. Please tell me you pulled it out of the freezer this morning and you’ve given it appropriate time and assistance to thaw. Add all the ingredients necessary. Don’t be shy; good cooks make sure they get all up in those nooks and crannies. That’s the old-skool way; you’ve got to put your foot in it. LOL.
Once you’ve seasoned that bad boy to the best of your ability, trust me, it’s ready to roast. (And the specials of the week will make you blush!)—Alma
My wife is imprisoned by an old love
Dear Alma: I found emails my wife has been writing to an old boyfriend who’s now in jail. He will be locked up for a long, long time. At first I wasn’t all that concerned, but now she’s sending him pictures. I found out because I read her email when she’s not home. I saw where she told him, “I can’t wait to get you letters” and “I wonder if you’re looking at my pictures and thinking about me.” Even though this man is in jail, it still affects me just as if she was writing to someone out in the streets. Am I being petty, or am I right in thinking that she is disrespecting me. I love my wife, but this really makes me wonder.—From, Mr. Wondering
Dear Mr. Wondering: And, wonder you should, but there’s more than a few apps on disloyalty downloaded on your cell phone. Why are you checking your wife’s email when she’s not home? After addressing that, you can move on to your issue with the inmate.
Nope, you’re not being petty. You just need to nip this rusty nail in the bud. It seems to me something was cockeyed before you caught sight of those emails. I’m not excusing her behavior, because infidelity is selfish and, yes, disrespectful. But, some parts to this story you aren’t telling me.
Tell her why you’re reading her email, and then ask her about her contact with him. Make sure you both honestly talk about both sides to this situation. Speak the truth to each other, not just saying words you think the other wants to hear.
Equally important, listen to each other.
If she makes this about you and the emails, then she’s not ready to own her unfaithful behavior. Yes, you were wrong, but she’s wrong too, and both issues need to be admitted, confronted and discussed.
Give purposeful thought to what you two want out of your marriage. Since he’ll be locked up, as you say, for a long, long time, both of you can work at this and take the necessary steps to rebuild your commitment, reminding each other that your devotion is crucial to saving your union.
And don’t forget to apologize to each other.
It is my hope that you two will find your way back to seeing each other through new eyes—eyes of forgiveness, blinking with compassion and winking with desire.—Alma
Alma Gill’s newsroom experience spans over 25 years, including various roles at USA Today, Newsday and the Washington Post. Email questions to: firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow her on Facebook at “Ask Alma” and twitter @almaaskalma.